First of all, if you don't know what Are You Afraid Of The Dark is, your childhood probably sucked. I'm kidding. We will take care of that, because it is my plan to review every single episode for you, including outtakes and trivia. I will start on Season 1 and go as far as people will read. If you have any questions, feel free to comment.
Season 1- Episode 1- The Tale Of The Phantom Cab
This episode was the first episode ever, and it premiered on August 15, 1992.
There you have it folks, the first ever scene. This is where the magic started for us late 80s early 90s children. There was a pilot episode, but that will show up later on, I promise.
We start with a look around the campfire at the Midnight Society. There is no theme on this one. I am watching this on Youtube though because I have had a hard time finding the DVDs. Did anyone else get the crap scared out of them by that opening?
Anyways, our main man Gary gives us an introduction, and we are introduced one by one by the first set of Society members. One of these members looks familiar. It's Cher from the Clueless TV show aka Rachel Blanchard.
Apparently the meeting place is so secret, new members have to be blindfolded and led to the woods (yes) by a seasoned member.
Tough guy Frank is a new member and in order to become a full member, you must tell a story. Not just any story, mind you, but a scary one and it has to be put to a vote by the members and everyone must vote yes or no. If you get one no, you are OUT!
Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I bring you the story of the still blindfolded to-be-determined member.
We open with two brothers wearing some seriously rad 90's style clothes. God I miss those primary color wearing days. Nostalgia aside, these brothers are named Denny and Buzz, and Denny is a jock and Buzz is a geek, says the blindfolded kid. Buzz just wants to prove to Denny that he is just as rad as him!
This has a Stand By Me type of feel so far.
They're hiking in the woods, and figure out they are lost. Denny is being a typical douchebag big brother by blaming it on Buzz. Poor Buzz. And then Buzz almost falls off the edge of the cliff, and Denny saves him, but a few minutes later, tells him 'I should have let you fall'. Wow.
Nighttime comes, and the compass doesn't work. Denny bitches and calls Buzz worthless because he carried the compass by his belt buckle and it messes with the magnet inside and they have pretty much been screwed the entire time. Great going, Buzz.
Buzz claims to know where he is but...yeah. They follow a trail and I'm just guessing things are not going to end up very good.
The brothers spot a light! Someones coming!
Says Buzz: Maybe it's a killer in a hockey mask who's gonna slash us!
At first sight of the person carrying the light, I remember this episode. The gapped teeth stuck in my mind after all these years. I wish I could remember math like that. Back to the story.
The man's name is Flynn, and he explains that he is kind of sort of lost too, but knows the woods very well. Whatever, Flynn. Buzz and Denny ask if he can help, and the man agrees to lead them to someone who could help.They disappear into the fog, and die. I'm kidding again. Sorry.
The man is taking them to their destination and says a 'doctor' is there, and asks them if they like riddles, in passing, completely randomly. He warns them that to
them to make sure they really really need help before asking the doctor for help, and then completely disappears after giggling in a creepy manner.
Denny and Buzz walk up to the house, and apparently Buzz is smarter than Denny after all, because he has been telling him the entire time to be careful and is cautious. Denny keeps going, saying 'maybe he has a phone'. Oh Denny. He is in the middle of the woods, and this is 1992. I really don't know if he would have a phone
or not. Buzz tells Denny that he is sorry he got them lost, and Denny says 'don't worry, I'll smack you when we get home'. Comedy gold.
There is a weird noise coming from the leaves and they are shaking, and they think it's Flynn fucking around again. They knock on the doctor's door in a panic.
The door opens up mid-knock.
Oddly enough, the doctor (who looks like Hagrid from Harry Potter) tells them they have made a terrible mistake and that he hopes they like riddles. Again with the riddles? Hmmm.
I don't know about you, but the doctor looks like he reeks of moonshine and body odor. Ughh. Onward!
His house is full of bubbling potions and we get to see a little of it, and learn that his name is Doctor Fink (with a Vuh-vuh-vuh-vuh in a German way) after he pops up hilariously out of nowhere to a soundtrack that can only be described as a nice Irish bar tune.
Denny tells Fink that Flynn says he could help but he rudely interrupts and goes on a tangent about science, and pretty much molests the brain of a wild boar that he
had just sitting around. I don't see a refrigerator either...ugh.He starts on the riddles again by giving them this: How far can you walk into the woods? Good old Buzz uses HIS brain and answers correctly 'halfway'.
Denny pretty much tells Fink to go get fucked, and Fink shows us that he does indeed have a telephone...but pulls out a huge pair of hedge clippers and proceeds to pantomime cutting the wires to it. Looks like Denny isn't the only douchebag around there. While he turns around, I noticed a brown stain right on his ass.
Doctor Fink gives them yet another riddle to solve so the brothers can call their parents. They agree and the riddle is:
What is it that has no weight, can be seen by the naked eye, and if you put it in a barrel, it can make the barrel lighter? I know this one, and because I know it, I can't decide if it's because I've seen this before, or because I actually figured it out. I'll go with the first. *sigh* Buzz can't solve it and there is no chance with Denny, so Fink drops his barrel all pissed off like, and picks up a book and pretty much calls the brothers losers and
to go away. He tells them to take a left on the trail, follow it to the dirt road, and wait for a taxi that comes by every night to pick them up. Denny asks like a dumbass to use the phone (again) instead of going for the taxi and Fink tells them to use the phone, they must leave him a specimen. Oh my god, Fink, you pervert. Have
a seat right there. He gives them an example of what he wants...and it's a hand, all green and preserved in a jar. We learn that he has severe gingivitis as well. Good god. Are dentists available? With the shape of Flynn's teeth pondered as well... jeeeez.
The brothers hightail it out of there at sight of either Fink's teeth, or the hand, running. Fink is all like 'bye...for now' and goes to jack off with the hand and fresh memories of the two young twinks he just had in his clutches. I kid. (I hope).We switch back to the Midnight Society now!
They're trying to figure out that riddle and blindfold kid tells them to STFU and let him finish the story. back to the story already! Damn! He gets shit done! Denny says the doctor is a lunatic and as soon as they get home he is definitely calling the cops. Why is it always when you get home, Denny? Oh wait, cell phones were only for Zack Morris in these days.
They are waiting for the cab and Denny calls bullshit on cabs being in the woods. As if on cue, beep beep goes the cab. Denny, just shut up.
They get in the cab without paying, and demand the cabbie take them to town. I notice that there is a fare box but...whatever. The number on the cab is 444-4444. Was this before everything was 555-5555?
The cabbie speeds up and we finally see what he looks like. A pale version of Flynn. I guess he found some magic mushrooms along the woodsy trail, because he looks like SHIT.
He tells the brothers that he gives people rides that can't answer Hagrid...I mean Fink's riddles... and the same thing happened to him about 40 years ago. Oh Flynn. You look about 35 so you're tripping hard, bro. He also says he gave Fink a ride and he tipped him pretty good to solve one of his riddles...I guess and he couldn't so
Fink took a specimin from him. Fink doesn't just like little boys! Want to know what specimen he took from Flynn?
Yep, that was Flynn's hand. The way he tells the brothers is also comedy gold. He's like 'it's not what it is..it's what it was' and flips his stump up. How was he holding that flashlight?No wonder Flynn is driving so erratically.
He's been working with Fink bringing him people to donate uh, specimens. Flynn! Not you! I kind of liked you!
Flynn says that people never solve those riddles. I call bullshit, because I solved the barrel one. I think. Oh well. Anyways, Denny calls Flynn out on being that old, and Flynn is all 'didn't I tell ya'? I had an accident, crashed into a tree, and at this part...he totally does a 360 with his head and yells out 'I SORTA DIED'! I genuinely laughed. He kind of looks creepy. See for yourself.
This fucked me up as a kid. I had dreams that he was going to come kidnap me in his taxi. Fuck you Flynn. Hard. Only I'm not a dude so I guess I'll be no good for the doctor. The rustling in the bushes is explained as being the people who didn't solve the riddle, and Flynn says he has to redo his accident every night until they solve it. That is almost sad. They are about to go through Flynn's creepy rendition of Groundhog Day. Denny guesses helium as an answer. That's almost smart but NOPE. Flynn is
all 'wait til you see the explosion we're gonna make' and then Buzz finally answers right, which is 'a hole'. Flynn gets really into his death and then Buzz and Denny
are thrown out of the cab right on time! They break the curse, and Denny actually has the balls to call Buzz a loser! Oh my god! He saved your stupid ass!
A cop shows up in a blue non regulation Jeep and tells the brothers their parents and the whole town (?) have been looking for them, and Buzz asks him how good he is
at riddles and smiles and everything is okay.
Back to the Midnight Society!
The blindfold kid tells us that the Phantom Cab was never seen again because apparently it was seen a lot or something, and that when the brothers brought the cops to Fink's cottage, and all that was left was the foundation covered with weeds. That ending sucked, blindfold kid. Long story short, he gets a unanimous thumbs up, except for Eric, who you can tell thinks the story sucked. He gave it a thumbs up but damnit, he didn't like it!
Finally, blindfold kid is allowed to take the blindfold off. Holy shit, he's Asian. I thought he was some tough LA latino gang member or something! Gary took his
blindfold off because Gary is the fucking BOSS around there, not because he was also one of the objects of my affection as a kid for whatever reasons. Nerds are hot. They all stand around and congratulate him and shake hands and typical 90's kid things. Welcome aboard, blindfold kid!
Random facts:
1. Buzz and Denny's last name is Crocker. Any relation to Chris? Fink would love him!
2. Blindfold kid's name is Frank.
3.Rachel Blanchard is in this episode, and she was Cher on the Clueless TV show.
4. Youtube's high quality isn't always high quality.
5. Flynn is on another episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark later on but he plays someone named Pete Peterson.
This is my first review ever and I hope you all are gentle! I will do more if you enjoyed this. Let me know in the comments any thoughts, ideas, or suggestions you have.
